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 I always knew in my heart that it existed, but it took me a great quest, twenty years, a failed marriage, a great romance, exceeding joy and grievous suffering, to discover it. And when I finally found myself standing there, in that quiet clearing, in a tiny copse of trees, with the morning sun streaming down upon the mossy stones, there was no doubt in my heart that this was the place. I collapsed to my knees and I wept.
I saw the faces of everyone I had hurt upon my journey – friends and enemies alike. I was confronted by the absurdly joyful smile of my ex-wife, photographically captured in a moment of perfect childhood bliss by a well-timed snap, and then heard her heart-wrenching tears and protests as our marriage came to a close by my own hand.
Every indignity I had ever borne, all my selfish and greedy actions, my anger, lust, and jealousy, and even my most secret and terrible fears flooded my soul with a great wash of emotion and reduced me to a sobbing infant. Humbled, dirty, unworthy of life itself, I flung myself desperately forward toward the opening, but merely managed to sprawl heavily across the hard-packed dirt in front of it. With great effort I lifted myself up and crawled the last few feet to the steps, sliding down them on my rear end, one step at a time, into the darkness below, until the cold water covered everything but my head. Then I closed my eyes and sank deep into the water, submerging my entire body in its dark, cold emptiness, sinking and turning until I no longer knew which way was up or how far under I was.
And when I emerged, I was Clean.
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